Are you A Food Snob?

image
Food Snob;

*A person who imitates, cultivates, or slavishly admires social superiors and is condescending or overbearing to others.

*A person who believes himself or herself an expert or connoisseur in a given field and is condescending toward or disdainful of those who hold other opinions or have different tastes regarding this field.

The Test.
1. Finish this sentence: After dinner, I like to

(A) linger over grappa, telling stories about the delightful food customs I observed on my recent trip to the Basque country. (10)

(B) take a leisurely walk. (6)

(C) pay the bill and leave. (1)

2. Roughly what percentage of your food is accented by a dollop of crème fraîche?

(A) 0 to 15 percent (1)

(B) 16 to 45 percent (4)

(C) 46 to 100 percent (6)

(D) It depends. What region of France is the cow from? (15)

3. Do you like an amuse-bouche before dinner?

(A) Mais oui! (9)

(B) I beg your pardon! I’ve never had my bouche amused! Cancel my subscription! (3)

(C) You mean like a Bloomin’ Onion? (-2)

4. Which of the following phrases most resembles something you might say?

(A) “And that is how we get the name tapas.” (8)

(B) “Last night, as I was rendering lard . . .” (12)

(C) “Look! A soft-serve ice-cream van!” (1)

5. Match the cheese with the animal of origin. (3 points for each correct answer)

(A) Manchego 1. Goat

(B) Chèvre 2. Cow

(C) Camembert 3. Vegan

(D) Casein-free jalapeño 4. Sheep macadamia cheez

[See box at end for answers.]

6. No store cupboard is complete without

(A) Bisquick, ramen, and a big can of olives. (-3)

(B) a variety of flavoured oils, at least three cans of San Marzano tomatoes, and some nice curry blends. (4)

(B) a brining kit, quince paste, and a tin of pure white goose fat. (8)

7. Which of the following are not mushrooms?

(2 points for each correct answer, -2 for each incorrect answer)

A. Lady-of-Spain

B. Pride-of-the-thicket

C. Hen-of-the-woods

D. Fantôme-dans-la-machine

E. Golden nubbers

F. Trompette-de-la-mort

G. Woody pincushions

8.____ is considered the finest tuna. (5 points for the correct answer)

A. Yellowfin

B. Ahi

C. Bluefin

D. Are we talking about tuna with great taste, or tuna that tastes great?

9. Wasabi is best

(A) with sushi, what else? (1)

(B) in mashed potatoes. (2)

(C) as a crust on pan-seared cod steaks. (4)

(D) left back in the eighties! Please! (7)

10. Yams

(A) are not the same as sweet potatoes. (2)

(B) have something to do with sweet potatoes, but I’m not sure what. (0)

(C) remind me of bittersweet, crisp autumn evenings on my grandmother’s yam farm. Gran, I conjure your spirit every time I prepare your prized baked-yams recipe. (15)

11. Buff-colored foam on top of an espresso is called (3 points for the correct answer)

(A) la bruna.

(B) crema.

(C) il foamo.

(D) Don’t you mean expresso?

12. To me, comfort food is

A. A selection of cream cakes. (-4)

B. Mums fantastic Sunday roast. (1)

C. A selection of cream cakes from San Jose International Airport with a glass of Château Guiraud sauternes. (5)

D. Actually, the botrytis character in the Château Guiraud would never work with that kind of sweet pastry dessert. I’d suggest a vin santo instead. Wait, which airport did you say? (8)

13. What was the Galloping Gourmet’s real name? (7 points for the correct answer)

(A) Alistair Kingston

(B) Frederick Gallop

(C) Kingsley Amis

(D) Graham Kerr

14. Match the chef to the dish usually associated with him or her. (2 points for each correct answer)

A. Julia Child

B. Alice Waters

C. James Beard

D. Wolfgang Puck

E. Emeril Lagasse

F. Rocco DiSpirito

1. Baked goat cheese with garden lettuces

2. Kick-It-Up-a-Notch fish rub

3. Vichyssoise

4. Pizza with smoked salmon and caviar

5. O’Brien potatoes

6. Linguine with Insufferable Prick sauce

15. Connoisseur, epicure, gourmet . . . (2 points for the correct answer)

(A) gastrique

(B) gastronome

(C) gastronaut

(D) gastronomer

(E) gastrohole

16. Which of the following most closely resembles a chat up line line you might use?

(A) “Hey, guess how big my can of olives is.” (1)

(B) “Aren’t you in my Gourmet Salsa of the Month Club?” (5)

(C) “Say, I know this great little out-of-the-way pupuseria.” (8)

(D) “Honestly, when’s the last time you had your cutting boards oiled? The right way?” (10)

17. If someone orders a latte after dinner, you would

(A) think to yourself, He must like lattes. (0)

(B) chastise him lightly for having a milk drink after 11:00 a.m. (2)

(C) write a fucking book about it. (5)

18. “Hollow heart” is (3 points for the correct answer)

(A) a Northern dish made with black pudding and lard.

(B) a Michael Buble song.

(C) an ailment specific to the potato.

(D) a Norfolk Dutch origin dish of dried ham and dumplings.

(E) the way I feel when no one wants to brine with me.

19. is a good name for a boy.

(A) Mike (0)

(B) Dave (1)

(C) Roan (3)

(D) Jean-Georges (5)

(E) Bacchus (7)

(F) Balthazar (9)

20. Which of the following adjectives have you used to describe food?

Good (0)

Bad (0)

Tasty (1)

Salty (1)

Sweet (1)

Crunchy (1.5)

Fragrant (3)

Indignant (4)

Pillowy (5)

Piquant (7)

Forgettable (7)

Cloying (7.5)

Earthy (9)

Amusing (10)

Resplendent (12)

Goaty (19)

21. A Scotch bonnet is (2 points for the correct answer)

A. a lantern-shaped pepper.

B. a warm drink of coffee, vanilla, and unpasteurized sheep’s milk.

C. Ewan McGregor’s nickname for his penis.

22. True or false: When I die, I’d like to have my ashes scattered across a northern Italian field, where I will grow into wheat, be milled into a fine pastry flour, and baked into a pane Genzanese to be enjoyed at a yearly festival, when at last I will be one with food, glorious food, the one thing that always loved me back.

(A) True (25)

(BS) False (0)

23. True or false: You don’t use pastry flour in pane Genzanese, stupid. (30)

ANSWERS:

5. a-4, b-1, c-2, d-3; 7. a, b, d, e, and g; 8. c; 11. b; 13. d; 14. a-3, b-1, c-5, d-4, e-2, f-6; 15. b; 18. c; 21. a; 23. True.

KEY:

Less than 15 points: Most of your food arrives in Polystyrene.

15 to 55 points: You’d never confuse your chervil with your chinois, but you’re still capable of being impressed by the hard crust atop crème brûlée.

More than 55 points: Et le braised beef cheeks pour monsieur. Voilà!
image
*References:
*Tatler – Recreating the real foodie
*Stacey Grenrock-Wood – Esquire Magazine
*Anthony Chambers – The Diary of a food obsessed moron
*The Food Snobs Dictionary – David Kamp

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s